Journey into self

Alhamdulillah, I've completed the most significant journey I'd taken in my life.  Well that's one way to look at it because sometimes it feels like I've just started the most significant journey in my life.  I've never expected or guessed that a 3-week trip would have such an impact in my life.  Hajj - the pilgrimage to Makkah - is one of the 5 pillars of Islam and all capable muslims are obliged to perform it once in their lifetime.  To me personally, it's a journey of self-discovery and a journey of trying to understand my place in the bigger scheme of things.

The actual rites of Hajj actually takes place over 5 days from 9th to 13 Dzul-Hijjah, the 12th month of the Islamic Hijri Calendar.  Putting on the 2 pieces of white cloth while making the intention for Hajj at the miqat on the 8th of Zulhijjah, I suddenly realised (finally or was it again...finally was more like it) that I am about to embark on a very important journey.  Prior to that very moment, I've been praying for the opportunity to perform Hajj this year nearly every day.  I did it after every prayers since the day I decided I want to go.  I prayed when we were in Madinah.  I prayed when we arrived in Makkah.  I prayed on the 8th morning and noon.  I prayed at that very moment too - "Ya Allah, please allow me and my family to perform Hajj this year!  Please allow us to be your most honoured guests this year".  I went with my whole family and that in itself was very rewarding as well.

As usual, I digressed.  A very important journey indeed.....2 pieces of white cloth, not matter what your station is in life.  You can be a king, a CEO, a popstar, a star footballer...or you can be a beggar, a pauper...whatever.....it's 2 pieces of cloth (white in colour is recommended) for men.  Putting them on reminded me of the end of my journey in this world.  I will leave it with pieces of white cloth too...and whatever I've sent back prior.  Hmmmm.....

The is then continuously uttered and with every word that came out, the heart tried to embrace...

لَبَّيْكَ اللَّهُمَّ لَبَّيْكَ، لاَ شَرِيْكَ لَكَ لَبَّيْكَ، إِنَّ الْحَمْدَ وَالنِّعْمَةَ لَكَ وَالْمُلْكَ لاَشَرِيْكَ لَكَ

"Here I am at Your service O Lord, here I am. Here I am at your service and You have no partners. Yours alone is All Praise and All Bounty, and Yours alone is The Sovereignty. You have no partners."


Standing on the plain of Arafah from Zuhr (noon) until after Maghrib (sunset) on the 9th of Zulhijjah amongst the 3 millions fellow pilgrims was the peak of Hajj was humbling.  Standing, praying, supplicating, pleading, submitting, wishing, asking, begging, beseeching, crying, weeping, smiling, hoping, missing....tears well in the eyes most of time. Why? Who am I?

Lailaha Illallahu Wahdahu Lasyari Kalah, Lahul Mulkuwalahul Hamdu, Wahuwa ‘Ala Kulli Syai'in Qadeer."



(There is no God but Allah. He has no associate. To Him belong the Sovereignty and all the Praise. He has the sole power over everything.)  - the best supplication is that of the Day of ‘Arafah,  [Al-Tirmidzi]

Sitting...and then standing again...and suddenly Maghrib is approaching; the day seems so short and there are so many to say and ask and beg for......but I couldn't stop the sun from it's path. 
 
I journeyed to Muzdalifa and spent the night on a mat with the stars above my head.  One thing that occured to me then as I was drifting into my sleep was how a lot of things I've been pursuing are not really meaningful.  Here I am, on a mat, in the open.....and I don't really have much need.  Hmmm...Needs vs Wants again.
 
Morning of 10th Zulhijjah was like a new day (well it was a new day....but like a new DAY....ok!) of my life.  Walking from Muzdalifa to Mina and approaching Jamarat Aqabah for the stoning at Dhuha time was quite an experience though very much unlike the original experience of our father, Ibrahim AS and Ismail AS.  Finding my own space within the millions...one step at a time...one stone at a time...alhamdulillah it was done!  Sacrificing a Had'y and then the shaving of the head...the second time in my life....I was out of this world. 
 
The journey from Mina to al-Haram for Tawaf Ifadhah and Sae'i was another significant milestone in the Hajj.  Going around the Kaabah 7 times, trying hard on not hurting anyone around me and ignoring the shoving and pushing, while focusing on remembering Him was hard (honestly) and beautiful (honestly).  I still dream of Tawaf without shoving and pushing....during Hajj.  Sae'i reminded me of Ismail and his mother and of course the wonderful Zam-zam....the best water on earth.  Unlike most people, I did not feel 'something' when I laid my eyes upon the Kaabah.  Is something wrong with me?  I don't know but I felt good... throughout the 3 weeks.

Back to Mina then for 3 nights in the tents (4 including the 1st day on the 8th).  At times, I felt so tired and it was simply impossible to have the presence of mind in Ibadah....but then I realised the whole 3.5 KM walk, the stoning, the staying in Mina are all act of worship....and Hajj is physical.

At the end of it, on the 13th of Dzulhijjah, I suddenly missed everything.  I want to experience all these again...and again...and again. 

Please accept my deeds Ya Allah, as imperfect as they are.  May I be able to come again, Ya Allah.....